Daily Archives: October 29th, 2007

First commandment when you’re in a relationship with me:

1. Thou shall not mess with The Bitch Goddess

Strawberry ice cream and other guilty pleasures aside, whenever somebody disappoints me and I end up hurting, I become a walking disaster. I end up doing evil, cruel, unthought-of things, and I do them secretly.

I feel remorse after a while, though. And I hate myself for that. Why should I be remorseful? I got hurt in the first place.

I just wish I had a personal butler that would remind me of my mantra that I used to preach to my girls:

Never allow anyone to hurt you without your permission.

Anyone up for it? I seriously need a loudspeaker on my ear.

How would you like to have as many as 11 (yes, eleven) lovers as permanent sex slaves, attached you and let them produce semen at your command? Fun, eh? And it doesn’t matter if you’re butt ugly because you’re simply irresistible.

In the dark.

And you have to be this fish.

Deep Sea Angler

The Age reports on a book, KamaSEAtra: Secrets of Sex in the Sea by aquatic scientist Sheree Maris. “Desire and deception, lust and fetish, pleasure and pain – it’s all happening beneath the waves,” the book reveails.

One of her personal favourites is the Deep Sea Angler (Melanocetus johnsoni), a grotesque looking fish that lives deep in the ocean.

“The female angler isn’t the most attractive thing but she’s in the deep deep depths so it doesn’t matter,” says Marris.

To attract a male, she secretes a sweet smelling perfume that arouses him so much that he is compelled to pursue and bite onto her.

“This is some extraordinary love bite because he never lets go,” Marris says.

“He becomes fused to her and basically becomes a blob of testicles on her skin.

“She then chemically commands him to release sperm when she wants, so she’s got this permanent sex slave.

“One female brought up from the depths had 11 males attached to her, she was one lucky girl.”

Readers also will learn that the humble barnacle has the longest penis in relation to body size in the world.

“It’s stuck to a rock so it’s going to be pretty hard to meet the opposite sex,” Marris explains.”

So it has this penis that can be rolled out and just go wandering around the rockpools in search of a mate.” 

Wow. Good thing the roll-out penis is exclusive to fishes. It’s bad enough that some guys can be so boorish when asking for sex. Having a roll-out penis couldn’t be more blatant.